212. REFLECTION IN THE POOL

It took me a short walk and some fresh air to and from my local supermarket to realise that I’m still in a funk from yesterday because something had been triggered deep within my psych from telling people about me fasting. 

I know now why I decided to fast and part of that was actually connected to not being able to busk at the moment. I know! Sounds ridiculous right?! 

As soon as I realised this, I started feeling drained with my life again today. I can’t use the term “bored “, I’m just feeling fed up again. 

Recording this 30 track concept album now seems to be the anything I’m enjoying at the moment. As well as writing my daily memoirs of course. 

I’ve been feeling more sensitive and possessive with things recently but as you know by now… I always find a way through it. Nobody can make me feel the way I do with things apart from me, myself and I. 

Maybe there is a deeper reason why Ruby was currently lying on my bed and why she was seeking some affection from me. I’m realising more and more how connected my Turkish flatmate and I are so there’s no harm in referring to her as my spiritual sister seeing as that’s already how she sees me. 

Maybe it’s time to really let my defences down again. Maybe it’s just my insecurities.... my dark spirits whom I am being defensive against. 

Besides all this, there is really no point wasting my energy in punishing myself today. No one cares. So why should I? 

It’s now 15:58 and it wasn’t long to wait for my work coach Dave to call me. Even though he is very understanding, I was still nervous. He told me that because I’m providing fit notes, the department of work and pensions are not requiring me to look for work and we also discussed the importance of the health and assessment call on Sunday. 

He also mentioned that further down the line.... I may have to start looking for volunteering work but I think this is possibly something that I misunderstood. 

Not so long ago, I tried applying for personal Independence payment and as I failed once again (because my disability isn’t physical) I tried making an appeal but That didn’t work either. 

My acting support worker advised me to try again next year. 

Anyhow, it seems as though this assessment on Sunday will be similar to that and that is what’s making me feel really anxious despite knowing and having the details in front of me in the form of a mind map. 

I know I label myself often but to be honest, I don’t really like going in depth about my personal issues with people who I don’t know. I am now feeling emotional just from writing that statement which just goes to show that I have finally figured out the main reason why I’m feeling so low today. 

Well, it’s now 18:35 and I suppose I could also say I’m feeling low because I haven’t write on any music production at all today for some reason. For some reason, all I seem to remember is spending more time with my flatmates... Writing…. Performing… Chatting to people on Facebook and pigging’ out (to some extent) 

I suppose I’ll finish up this memoir and then get on with it.… Or, do that tomorrow and simmer down with Thai movies tonight instead. 

Oh and I suppose a live streamed performance of me singing to my own backing tracks earlier was also a nice highlight of the day. It certainly released my serotonin. 

I also met a potential friend from that to when I shared the video to almost 50 groups on Facebook!

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