“Ha! Typical!” I said to myself as I managed to drop a splodge of chocolate spread on the kitchen table despite putting the jar on a kitchen plate after my own chaos theorist vision. 

Perhaps that inspires me to tell you about today’s thought of the day mainly being that there are certain things if not all.… that we cannot control even when we try. 

I’m used to telling myself and others that everything happens for a reason and even when it doesn’t, it’s still happening but that’s irrelevant. What is relevant is that little occurrence helped me to start writing today’s memoir. 

It’s only 8:50 at the time of writing this and I reckon that a lot has happened already and in a positive way after having so much self-doubt yesterday which taught me that everybody else.… Especially fellow creatives….Are going through the same thing. 

Two hours earlier, I was lying in bed after being woken up by another hot flush. I discreetly whispered to myself “I have got to have a shower at some point today “and thus, I did that almost instantly. I couldn’t distinguish if the almost hot scorching water was set on ‘cold’ and despite that it was 7 am… I wanted to encourage myself to be more considerate of my other flatmates so eventually, that water had no more mental side-effects on me. 

Ladies and gentlemen... Welcome back to the powerful way of thinking that is called “self-awareness “. 

I try not to think of the future when it’s a re-occurring thing and a domestic routine or whatever you call it... That’s a good example of when the future IS written! 

After two days of writing only 1 to 2 pages worth, I hope I have a lot more to write about today seeing as I’m in the right mindset. 

“I’m starting to thank my lucky stars again that I wasn’t born genetically female or that I look convincing as one “ I said to one of my flatmates. 

Why did I tell him that? Well, we were talking about one of our new flatmates that had recently moved in but that thought stemmed from a movie scene I watched the other day when a female pilot walked on board a male dominated aircraft contraption and they were being very sexist and chauvinist with her. Obviously, she kept her dignity by putting them in their place. 

Then, last night I was added to an associate’s music Fanclub on WhatsApp. At first, they assume I’m a guy and then they were surprised when I told them that I’m female. They wanted to see a photo of me instantly and I thought back to the lady in that movie. 

“This group isn’t about me, it’s about someone else “I said before my associate who added me to it said it’s okay to share my photo. It was around 11 pm at the time this happened and even after saying “good night “, they were asking for more so I simply switched my phone off. 

Its moments like this albeit, how rare and seldom they are... that I am proud to say that I am a feminist and from today onwards, my definition of feminism is this:- 

“Preserving dignity in your divine female and feminine self “ 

Wow! I’m really on top form today. 

Maybe that little brief experience had either pissed me off or reminded me that I had never had that mindset in my past life. Let’s be honest though... I think we’re all perverts but you got pervert‘s like those guys, perverts who take it to the extreme and perverts like me who keep their opinions to themselves. 

Seeing as I’m struggling how to now transition from that to the next topic, I may as well bramble again about a little cute but fragile one music career. 

Firstly, I think it’s time I start decreasing the use of the word “career “because whilst this pandemic is going on and I’m hardly earning anything as well as getting more financial support than usual…. using that word has become more and more embarrassing. 

But wait? There I go again off and a tangent and there I go again reminding myself that if I wasn’t a full-time musician or someone with a music career, I would not have been able to apply for those grants! 

So, the lesson there people is... what you you do today, prepares you for tomorrow. 

Fuck it! I do have a music career and one worth being proud of and just like last year’s spiritual lesson… I simply have to “own it “ which means that I am who I am and what I am and that is either a work of art or work in progress. 

I’m going to encourage myself further not to compare myself to other artists but how? 

I was thinking perhaps work harder but I already do until I’ve had enough for the day. 

After devising my own mind map “things I want to do with my music “based on all my self - doubts and all the support and kindness I had received from Facebook yesterday.… That’s encouraged me to consider time management and even multitasking which is something that I’ve purposely neglected due to wanting to preserve my own mindfulness. 

There I go again…. Trying to find a way to combine my spiritual life with my music life and as soon as I start thinking about my music as a business…. I start suffering because I still haven’t found the middle way yet or have I? 

I remember that when I was busking and gigging, I would take my iZettle card payment reader with me, my CDs, my business cards and my A0 promo board which included information about me and my social media handles. So why am I not sharing those details wanna live stream then? 

Well, I still share my PayPal donations link but I should really encourage myself to share my social media handles as well but my dark spirits keep telling me that no one cares or people don’t want to read too much information because of our short attention spans....So I don’t. 

Anyways, I’ve been made a promise but an associate is willing to help me with social media management.… But wait! In fact, don’t wait! Or should I wait? Wait! Now I’m getting overwhelmed again because let’s face it... Social media management is a full-time job itself and I think its best I leave that side of things to someone else. Or should I? 

And so, my mind ponders again about how to find a middle ground because really, all I just want to do is the live performances and get that music out there. 

Which brings me onto the next subject... Recording! 

Shouldn’t I only record something for my music is in demand? 

Well, after yesterday‘s genius idea of recording whilst live - streaming... I thought to myself that I’m more likely to get votes if I go for an album which has a live feel to it. Other positive attributes of live - streaming aren’t just recording but also promoting, potentially earning money, rehearsing, enjoying what I do, getting more followers and the most fun part is that I am able to innovate... As I did with my own “Concrete Avenues “ 

Ha! Maybe I need another camera just so I can record a video of it at the same time and upload to YouTube which is something else I’ve been neglecting too despite my room being set up to record videos as and when. 

Perhaps I’m just not ready yet or maybe I’m just thinking too much, or maybe I haven’t managed my time yet so... My conclusion is definitely that I must devise another plan of some sort. Something like a day-to-day routine so that I can balance my personal life and my music life regularly? But then if I do that... I fear that would deplete the spiritual side to it. 

I’ve become so used to doing things and saying things as and when I feel like it otherwise having a routine would make things feel rather fascist like and I’m not keen on doing chores anyways. 

On the other hand, this might help to reduce my anxiety levels as well as being more considerate of others and pulling my weight at home! 

As I mentioned earlier…. I’m either a work of art or work in progress... Well, the fact of the matter is that I am both and at the end of the day... I’m proud of all my attributes as they’re untouchable and nobody else could impersonate those things as well as I can! 

EARNINGS: £13.04 (from livestreaming! First music related donation of the year! Woo! HOO!)

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