Yesterday was going so well until my own feelings started a battle against me again. All because one of my flatmates suggested that I should open and close my door Less violently. Of course, I’m still over exaggerating slightly.
What made it even worse was being honest with my feelings and sharing what my flatmate said with my brother’s girlfriend who is technically, the landlady. I told her that I’m upset with myself that I’m still living here I’m not somewhere by myself. She told me she’s not happy with how my brother speaks to me at times and then without going into further details such as me crying and misunderstanding things and so on, everything went south from there.
According to how I was feeling and what I was thinking first thing this morning.… Today could’ve started that way if I wanted it to…. Angry, frustrated, lost, feeling ganged up on, self-loathing... The list into the mental of this goes on… But, it didn’t.
I made the last-minute choice to change it!
I began by doing the only Buddhist chant I know discreetly but that wasn’t helping then I remembered that I can take advantage of YouTube and I found an hours worth of morning worship and prayer which is a recording made by Buddhist monks in Thailand.
Listening to this helped me to meditate, sleep and find my feet on the ground again. Despite still feeling like public enemy number one at home today… I think its best I only speak when spoken to... and try to be as introvert as I can today, otherwise yesterday‘s events will unfold like a poisonous flower again.
I am writing these memoirs and trying to maintain and practice my Buddhist beliefs just so that I don’t fall off the rails which I suppose…. It’s very easy to do for all of us especially during these current affairs.
However, going back to sewing the seeds of positivity today... I’ve already offered to feed my brother’s dog and attempted to fix a communal bathroom issue just so that I can reconnect with everyone and give them the impression that everything is cool and back to normal.
3 to 4 years ago, this would not have been the case so… I reckon all that time I left with someone else for a year and a half was the essential life skills package I needed before moving back here.
I could sure as hell say that living with me between 2011 and 2016 was a nightmare!
I would shout, swear, storm to my room, bang my head against the floor, slap my face, punch my own head and think about suicide and other ways to harm myself.
At some point, my brother suggested that I go to see a cognitive behavioural therapist as a therapist at the now-defunct LGBT+ Support group wasn’t really helping at all. I was tempted to say that CBT wasn’t really helpful either but the second therapist was a lot more tolerant with me and it helped that she has experience with autistic and transgender clients. I wouldn’t use the term “successful” but saying that second therapist meant that I could get onto citalopram tablets.
If you don’t know what those are, they are antidepressants.
I can’t remember how long I was on those for but they were not worth all the hassle and I’m glad I stopped taking them.
Sometime last year, my brother suggested me to take herbal Ashwagandha capsules as we both suffer from anxiety. I’ve noticed that I haven’t needed to use them since writing his memoirs which is pretty useful I suppose.
My point is that once I have written a years worth of these… I will need to think of other ways to deal with my own issues as I really don’t want to depend on other people despite how kind they can be just because I am so used to my own system.