The latest COVID-19 restrictions, Elon musk, 5G and 6G, generation Z and moving to the moon, Mars and even under the sea were this morning’s communal kitchen topics whilst I couldn’t really be bothered to butt in and get involved as I was still half asleep so I sat there eating corn cakes whilst my brother’s dog was staring at me. 

Last night, the majority of us decided it would be a good idea to go for a walk down the beach this morning and I nearly changed my mind. 

After meditating and showing my new flatmate the basics of tai chi and chi gong, playing with the dog and hearing the sound of the ocean again… I’m very glad I joined the others. 

Everything was hunky-dory again… Until, I arrived back home and made an attempt to add a biography section for a Ethereal & The Elevated’s music page. I felt like a Phalia as I was not able to work out how despite my client being able to do it for me. I then tried adding text to an image so that it was readable. I failed miserably. I ended up putting my phone down and leaving my bedroom to go and decide what to eat instead. 

As I returned something I didn’t need back from the kitchen, I kicked my boots and spare bedsheets to the other side of my room almost aggressively in order to express how upset I was at myself instead of neatly putting them away which is what I would usually do. 

I instantly adopted the assumption that everyone else in the flat was upset with me … Yet again giving birth to my respond daughter “Paranoia“. 

I then thought back to my time at the beach and regretting that perhaps I had not gotten enough from that brief spiritual experience. Maybe it’s just the feeling of doing a chore that makes me feel that way but then, this wasn’t the case yesterday when I found myself doing some innocent music promotion which didn’t upset me at all. 

On the other hand, I know that a good night’s sleep is useful and I only woke up around 3:30 a.m just to look at my phone notifications before switching it off as the light kept flashing often from messages coming from the other side of the world. 

I’m feeling better now after writing all of that and by this evening I will have gotten a proof check session from my support worker with filling in an important application form to send off to Department of Work and Pensions so that I can start claiming universal credit thus, making me feel less anxious! 

“We really hit a homerun a few times today“ I said to my support worker after listening to her being blunt with me about my relationship with my family before I either stared at her or the floor or cried discreetly in front of her and she cleared any naivety I had left about having Asperger’s. 

We all know by now that my brother has wanted his own life since we were teenagers but my parents made it his responsibility to look after me... Telling me what I am not able to do instead of teaching me life skills. Before I began understanding what it may be like to be a parent.. Are used to blame them but that would only bring more suffering instead of resolving anything. 

I do love my family even more now for not just being there for me but also giving me “Toughlove “. 

I had always thought that my brother’s mental age is double his physical age and that makes so much sense now. 

Even my lack of self-esteem and self belief stems from this too and that feeling of being lost, confused and stupid was because I had psychologically divided myself into two. 

Someone who believes that they’ve got Asperger’s and that it’s a curse, a mental illness and an eternal disease and then there is that someone who believes that they don’t have Asperger’s… That they’re just an empath with heightened senses who tend to over analyse one thing as many different things…. Well, at least that’s how my support worker defines it. 

I was taught the difference between an autistic child and an autistic adult during the session and fuss, now I know that my anxiety stems from being autistic. 

I now understand how much everyone close to me cares about me and loves me and that I would choose ‘tough love’ any day to a pat on the back because after all, a pat on the back only lasts a few seconds. 

I was so close to storming out of that room but what good would that have done me? 

Life is all about learning and evolving and I already know what happens when I try to live life with a defeatist attitude and that is more than once! 

I’m finally encouraging myself to not run away from my own problems and obstacles and actually face them because they are not the enemy. Only I was…. And let’s hope that the coward that possessed me for so long… Is now no longer with us!

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