I couldn’t wait to wake up this morning and share how euphoric I felt after my session with my support worker yesterday but filling in the health and disability assessment form first was more important. 

It didn’t feel like an arrow bursting through my balloon but it certainly assisted with taking away that euphoric feeling. 

I was going to say something melodramatic anyways like “so, what now? “... “It’s all this self suffering finally over? “ 

Of course it is! 

As long as I believe it is and that I will try to encourage myself not to take the opinions of others and my own too personally, I’ll be hunky-dory just like Ariel the giant mermaid in PVC. So, if you going to call me a gimp... You’ve got to be specific so that I don’t misconstrue other gimps. Sorry not sorry because every time I hear the word “ Gimp “ I associated with monkeys. No lie. 

Anyways, today feels like a Wednesday. 

I’m feeling like a fresh spinach leaf that’s finally blossom from the garden full of beautiful, unknown flora. 

Just thought I would quickly mention that of all the years I have lived here... this morning was the first time I saw a seagull in my backyard despite living 20 minutes walk away from the beach. Perhaps the seagull neglects my backyard just as much as I do with the beach. 

This morning felt great but yet again…. The same pattern happened after I had returned home from posting off the application form and buying some minor grocery essentials. Either I am being paranoid around one certain person, or I feel like my every move is being monitored and observed but let’s turn it around! 

So what if I am? 

I know myself that I have my own way of doing things and I don’t think there is anything wrong with being someone who prefers to do things in their own time. 

Or maybe it’s time I change that mindset as it hasn’t gotten me as far as I have wanted to in life? I don’t know. 

Maybe it’s just those typical winter blues which I seem to get around this time every year. 

I just know I want to find the middle way. I just know that when somebody has reminded me that most of my songs are sad… 

Perhaps, I want to do something about it. 

Perhaps I don’t. 

Yet again I am in two minds. 

Yet again, I don’t know if I’m coming or going. 

Yet again, I am taking what people say to me at heart. 

I just have to remind myself that I’m not going to run away from the shit anymore. The shit that I dump upon my own head. 

Maybe I just need a break... But where can I go and who could I stay with during these restrictions? 

But then doing that would be the same as running away from my problems right? 

On the other hand, it’s my favourite day of the week so I better enjoy it! I’m fed up of thinking too much! 

It’s now 15:15 and things are looking up. A fan has just purchased a digital copy of one of my albums and perhaps... That is all I needed to pick me up a bit. I’m also feeling proud of myself but I did another live stream today and then I discovered that putting nutritional yeast in with vegan cheese and plantbase cream makes a tasty cauliflower cheese sauce! 

Maybe I’m not achieving enough or going going out of my comfort zone enough? 

However, whenever I have tried doing so during lockdown... I have felt like I’ve shot myself in the proverbial foot. 

Discussing shots, how do I feel about vaccines? 

Well, I doubt they’re vegan as I’ve heard that flu jabs come from hens eggs and I’ve certainly had the time to settle down and get used to COVID-19 despite this apparent mutant strain that’s going around now. There’s a reason why I don’t watch the news and that’s because my own song so depressing enough... As well as infectious. 

It’s now 16:39 and I’m listening to a dance track sent to me by a French producer which I will be singing on. Before that was the same thing but from Slovenia and I’ve known him for a year and have already collaborated with him. 

Earlier today, I received a mixed and mastered version of my own “you’re not the fuel to my fire “which means I can now sing to the backing track and make my video! 

THAT is how professional it sounds! 

Even though the song is not about how I feel about getting the vaccine ( which is very likely that I will just to be a good girl) it’s about the end of a toxic relationship with someone who I regarded as a spiritual sister. 

Anyways it’s now 18:50 and between then and 19:44, I got sidetracked as social media management seemed more important despite how frustrated it felt when you’re doing it all from your phone. 

However, this time I don’t have to do it all by my own ...thank goodness. 

At least this time I have limits to because that is also important for your mental health. 

Tomorrow may written as I will be talking to my work coach…. But I shall either try and enjoy the rest of the day or go to bed early.

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