It’s now 19:32 and I was feeling like crap until after I had had a chat with my work coach. Perhaps I’m feeling better because I asked him if he could share my details with the National career service as I have this feeling that I should stop living in the past about not being able to get paid gigs et cetera at the moment and simply… Move on because I think it’s safe to say that this pandemic will go on for awhile and even another year or even 2 to 3 months is still a long time so I must do something about it now! .... at least I have built up my hope again now that I am expecting to talk to a careers advisor soon. 

Anyways..... Time to rewind.... 

It wasn’t even 10 am yet by the time of writing this. Apart from the ticking and tocking of the kitchen clock, mumbled music coming from the builders upstairs, my brother’s girlfriend talking to her colleagues in their temporary bedroom and the constant humming noise inside my head.… There was peace and quiet. 

Two of my flatmates had gone swimming done at the beach so I was left to my own accord at home. I needed a break from being proactive and more selfless this morning. Whilst I was preparing my favourite noodle soup was silken tofu and garlic oil that my mum taught me when I was younger, I found myself multitasking again. Feeding the dog and taking out the bins but it felt more than that. The fact that my brother was grateful for my help told me I must try and keep up the good work. 

Perhaps this lockdown felt like a weight of mental bricks upon my shoulders and I was starting to get used to being lazy again I’m not doing much apart from whatever I feel like which didn’t always make me feel happy. More like fed up. 

For some reason, I felt more clued up today. It’s plain to see that I must distance myself from my brothers girlfriend for a while just because of something petty and I say “petty “because I remember now that even though I’m the extrovert, we both wear our hearts on our sleeves so… At least now I know that I’m not the only one who was sensitive to criticisms whatever size and shape they are. 

It’s now 10:19 a number set with myself again because of something related to social media management. I understand now that if I don’t get all the tasks done on the list that I’ve been given, I won’t be able to join the booking agency and have an interview with them next week. 

I feel like giving up again… But I won’t! 

I just need to step away from these things when I feel like they’re too much for me. 

It’s now 10:24 and I’m finally able to take off something else from the list thanks to my agent’s guidance! 

This reminds me of back in the day when you had to beat levels to complete a video game and now it seems that the boss level wasn’t that easy to beat but it’s a good thing that I was in a trigger-happy mood today. 

Time to talk about something else I suppose…. 

When was the last time you had a dream? Have you ever thought to yourself if a dream is the same as astroprojection and vice versa? 

Well, I hadn’t had one for months until last night when I find myself in a well arranged Sun bleached apartment room with a view of the Sun over City city landscape as you look through the double window porch and beyond the balcony. 

I was there with my paper, pen and folder to interview a lady and as soon as I sat down…. The feeling of needing to go to the bathroom got even more intense and so, I never got to interview her in the end. Who knows? Maybe I could return there again Sunday but it makes me wonder if perhaps my career shouldn’t be music but maybe a music journalist instead? 

I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others but reading another artists biography yesterday drag me by the proverbial hair back into that zone. 

I do feel like I’ve reached a temporary dead end but then I also feel comfortable where I am…. At least until March or April when it’s warmer outside. 

So is there anything to look forward to? Of course!

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