...Another day of thinking this life has no purpose despite having just edited photos from the last photo shoot whilst watching a B-movie, as well as stuffing myself with overnight oats and having found myself filling up the water tank in the bathroom twice and then complaining.
I’m glad I bit my tongue because I had no idea that my brother was still at home. He was professionally contained about it which is rather unusual coming from a family member.
After agreeing with Rachael when we are going to do our first official virtual gig together, I found the perfect time to listen to day two or Deepak Chopra’s 21 day guided meditation to explore the spiritual principle of abundance whilst writing.
Whilst this was going on, I started getting excited about how we going to prepare for it including what we are going to wear and even which covers we’re going to sing between the album songs.
It’s now 1215 and I’m currently talking to temporarily virtual buddies Ian and Lorna about the possibility of me going back to busking this week after this tour straight through me when I was trying to be aggressive and defensive with them. They have helped me to realise that I’m actually comfortable “wallowing in my own chaotic insecure illusion” (46 & 2 - Tool) but we all know by now that there’s two sides to a coin so not all of my memoirs can be negative.
Anyways, I strongly doubt I can survive on £70 until I get to my next dose of financial support next Sunday so now that I know where I can busk without breaking any laws or get harassed by police (Thanks to Marta!) I feel more inclined to return back to it and even £1 or £2 will get me by.
It’s now 1642 and I am no longer afraid to admit that mentally, I found it a very challenging week and live streaming to over 30 viewers for a few minutes just now was a perfect ending to it! That and the Thai curry I continued eating which I made earlier today.
I don’t like referring to myself as ‘vulnerable’ so much these days but after this weeks truthful and hurtful criticisms, I was vulnerable and was getting super defensive and paranoid at any size of criticism even from my new flatmate when all we were doing was having a general chitchat about the meaning of Adidas after she complimented the floral embroidery on my jeans.
I’m pretty sure that as I got a dose of love from live streaming, that’s given me a burst of positive energy and of course, I’m really looking forward to not one...but 2 interviews tomorrow and rehearsing with Rachael for our February gig.
I’m still designing a day where I have some kind of regular routine and still trying to find a way of not criticising myself too much even when I watching the replay of my stream!