I’m supposed to be in a happy mood today but instead, I’m feeling so anxious that it was making me nauseous. Why am I allowing myself to feel this way? I fucking hate it and I want to change it now!
(I don’t think I can word it any more immaturely than that!)
Let’s hope that the two ashwagandha capsules and a brief conversation with my flatmates will help...in fact...they have!
I can’t blame others just because their feelings, opinions and beliefs are different to mine. I understand that because we all have different lives, we must try to adapt to each other’s lifestyles as much as we can.
It’s 1723 at the time of writing this and time seems to be today’s main issue.
I feel like I’m now stuck in limbo. I still feel as though I’ve been criticised but this time it is to do with my career and not to do with domestic affairs... and you know what? I prefer that because it’s not so close to my heart. (in a way)
I shall now attempt to go back to expressing why I should’ve been happy about today’s events… Without saying anything negative!
Despite my anxiety, I made sure but I was all set for the first interview was an agency based in Brighton for 9 am.
I’m still trying to get used to working with other people to spy parting ways with the others in the past. I’ve never actually fallen out with anyone in the past that I’ve liked with musically so that’s a good thing to remember. Are used to be pretty opinionated even when it comes to creative feedback… But not anymore.
I’ll never forget the time I told the members of my garage rock band at uni but I’d like us to sound more like Scissor Sisters but that was during one of those times I was out of the closet….And literally loving it!
I didn’t have to take my mama out either! (‘Scuse the pun!)
Obviously, we never did go that direction but after that evening, I believe we all started drifting apart and it wasn’t long until years gone bye…. I was only able to keep in touch with the drummer.
With the next band... Perhaps it was our own mental Health issues that got us disbanded. The drummer and his own blunt criticisms and chauvinistic jokes went first followed by the sax player.
The bass player and I of course….
Did not go our separate ways but we only do something musically together once a twice a year nowadays.
At least that band somehow gave me faith in being a solo artist again after thinking that I had lost it… but then I came back with a fresh mind and better knowledge as a singer/songwriter.
That was 2016.
Finding a Random amount of leftover financial savings helped me to professionally record a debut album and despite how much I despise that at the time, I have now grown prouder and prouder of it. Doing that album also meant having to work with others as I had a co-producer who chose which songs to go on the album, the sound and a sound engineer who recorded, mixed and mastered the tracks.
However, after that experience I wanted to go back to using my own I’m recording studio so that I can edit anything and everything and do everything in my own time.
Two years later, I made the decision that i’d like a backing band and so…. Ethereal & the Elevated was given a chance with a drummer and a bass player that I had met initially from a Facebook post I made as I was seeking somewhere to launch my album release but yet again, it felt as though I had no idea what I was doing apart from turning up and play.
Ian and Lorna came with me to give their support which I am eternally grateful for and after my set, I went around the pub asking for donations without even thinking about it because my adrenaline was so high and I had no idea that this is also illegal!
It’s a good thing that I got away with it and that was enough to afford that night’s dinner at the pub!
Right, I feel like I’m going off on a tangent here and the subject of the day is supposed to be working as a team!
Rachael and I haven’t known each other long to be honest and that potentially has its own pros and cons.
It’s now 1852 and I had to go out of my converse own to realise that I nearly made a huge mistake. All because of misunderstanding. All because one agency promising me a huge paycheque made me go spiritually blind and poor Rachael potentially played my victim.
I didn’t hurt her physically but I may have said things that may have come across as a bit too eager.… Therefore, intimidating.
Basically, whatever I said… I know I fucked up.
I’m satisfied that karma/the universe punished me for it when I nearly had a panic attack thank thank fuck my lovely flatmates were willing to listen and give me advice.
It’s now 1906 and everything feels back to normal.
I will stop writing this tedious drivel and get on with making notes of the recorded video from my first interview this morning... And guess what?
I was watching some random video on Facebook this morning about conspiracy theories that were true but it was actually about this guy saying that we can all manifest anything we want…. Money, love, a sports car et cetera et cetera et cetera I want to realise that…. I turned it off and put on the morning Buddhist chant of the monks in Thailand that was recorded on YouTube which is something that I listened to just the other day.
My point is... is that the second agency interview was like that first video I watched on Facebook. It just didn’t make any sense to me and sounded too good to be true!
It’s now 1912 and I’m thinking more and more about the second interview that Rachael and I had which involved an Impromptu performance. (THAT was the fun and even hilarious part as we had no idea what we were doing tech - wise)
The “dodgy “agent could’ve been more clear with her instructions and the action plan and how to use the apps... I couldn’t even find any website connected to the name of the agency she told us and I’ve been waiting the whole day to receive an email from her as she promised.
After I realised that I had made a mistake which affected the other agent, I believe I did the right thing by telling the dodgy one that we are no longer interested.
It was after that moment and when I had apologised to the agent that we will be working with... That my anxiety levels decreased And I started feeling back to normal again.
Today reminded me of one of my first days at halls of residence at university when I had met a British Chinese friend. One night, we decided to go somewhere local by train and whilst we were walking around the platform, a gang of guys and a disabled kite came out of nowhere and he called my friend a “chink “which is still my least favourite racist slur (obviously).
My friend punched him in the face and I felt so sorry for the disabled guy that I expressed that I couldn’t understand why he did that.
However, that night I learnt.… To do the right thing!