illusions ....enriched... 

Delusions ....bewitched... 


(when eyes) 

become kaleidoscopes 

Jilted voice....distorted... 

Candid laughter...makes me deaf 

Organic disaster....these nerves are tense 

Stuck in limbo....cellophane girl 

Apparently, those words are deep but to me ....they’re just words that came out my mind first thing this morning and I expanded on them throughout the day. 

It’s taken me a while to realise that what I am going through this week is a meltdown and since my podcast interview with another autistic person....I realize that I also partake in what is known as ‘stimming’ a.k.a self stimulation. 

Last week, I arranged to meet up with Eddy Paul this afternoon for a jam and dinner seeing as not much is happening at the moment ....he’s cool with me coming round regularly. 

Eddy is also autistic and he’s also fact, he’s like me in regards to being trans but the other way round and we met via a support group for trans people called Over The Rainbow in 2012 when I first came to live in Bournemouth. 

Back in Salisbury ....I had never met a trans - man before and Eddy was amongst the 4 that I met in that Bournemouth group. 

In fact, he was also the only other musician so because of that connection ....we’ve kept in touch for all those years and he was even my manager for a while. 

I was so positively overwhelmed when he didn’t think about it and JUST simply emailed the management of Portishead and Oasis just to make sure that I won’t get sued or anything like that for my cover versions of theirs. 

Well, it was something along those lines! 

In fact, another autistic and trans friend of mine had the fortunate opportunity to do an unreleased duet of a Placebo song with Beth Gibbons! 

As much as I would love to get that same opportunity ....I’m blessed enough to have a voice that suits trip hop BUT since I’ve really worked on improving it...I can keep getting my eclectic fix! 

I can hear psy trance in my left ear, I’m full from dinner with Eddy and I’m still round his at 18:14. 

I still intend to reflect upon my day and have a longer jam session with him before I head back. 

I must confess though ....that before when I was either suppressing my autistic delights and beautiful flaws....J was finding it difficult to understand other autistic people and Eddy was one of them... 

Now, it looks like Eddy could be the perfect ‘guru’/teacher/guide to help me understand myself better and only just this evening ...I asked him the meaning of ‘stimming’ ... 

“When you can’t get any kind of do it to yourself” 

This SO made sense to me as every time I am watching a movie, talking to someone on the phone or something similar ....I’m either trying to pull out some left over facial hair ....picking at dry skin ....looking for and pulling out any white hairs I have .... 

Erm....I think you get the picture! 

On the other hand, there’s the meltdown that I have feeling this week and despite feeling like I instantly irritate/intimidate anyone I talk to at the moment ....this is enough encouragement to give me the excuse to spend time in solitude ... 

Well....apart from people like Eddy who understand it of course....Lorna ...who tries her best to understand everyone and anyone and is usually very tolerant! 

“Common signs of a meltdown include hand flapping, head hitting, kicking, pacing, rocking, hyperventilating, being unable to communicate, and completely withdrawing into myself. All of these behaviours are methods of coping.” 

Apart from hand flapping, I can say that I have personally experienced the other symptoms during a meltdown and the only solution is to stay away from people who don’t understand/can’t tolerate this kind of behaviour because I know exactly what will happen. 

In fact, I was sitting in my kitchen all alone at home this afternoon whilst having my lunch and thinking how fortunate my brother is to have been able to move upstairs and that we can now keep our distance when either of us are struggling ....otherwise, it would usually be him giving me blunt advice and I just CANNOT understand blunt advice despite that’s the kind of advice I seem to give to other people. 

Yup....that’s something else I am also trying to figure out about myself! 

Duran Duran is being played in the background .....and even though I am not so keen on 80s music....any music will do right now ....there’s no coffee available so any music is keeping me awake is Eddy’s little city bedsit room with the lights down low.... 

Or maybe I am also stoned from all the dances that Eddy has had with Mary Jane in the kitchen. 

Looks like the jam session could potentially recommence next week instead! 

Apart from visiting Eddy today....I also felt a sense of achievement from moving my laptop closer to my drum kit as I was finding it rather difficult to operate physically whilst recording. 

So, I suppose today wasn’t that bad now that I am back home in my PJ’s at 20.51 ready to go to sleep should I try to ignore my brother’s music from upstairs or let him know I am calling it a day?

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