“ILLUSIONS OF BABYLON
If I close my eyes
and keep them shut,
Would this world I’ve built....
Eat its self up? X 2
You can try
To pry my eyes open
You can try
to tell me it’s safe
You can try
to show me all it’s beauty
but I’m sorry to tell you
I can’t help seeing the things that you don’t
I can’t help feeling the things that you won’t
I just can’t help
trying to be true to myself...”
I wrote these words after meditation and repetitive periods of burning out earlier today.
I also became quite intrigued after meditating and started wondering why ALL (or most) spiritual leaders such as Jesus, Mohammad....Siddhartha are all male and hardly any are female!
Yet again....I researched this ....and perhaps these are just opinions:
“Why are all the "enlightened" people (Buddha, Jesus, etc.) males and not females?
Because it is a male dominated world. One lead primarily by male leaders in all the most important professions until only within the last 70 years. Especially in the spiritual realm.”
“They are many great answers here, but I guess I'll just input a particular fact that makes me feel that women aren't spiritually inferior.
In buddhism, there's a particular bodhisattva, the great Green Tara, who vowed that she would always be reborn in a female body to help liberate all sentient beings and achieve buddhahood as a female. She also represents the feministic quality in wisdom. Women are also normally seen as more compassionate and represents that particular aspect of enlightenment, which I think is why Avalokitesvara is portrayed as female in China as Guanyin, rather than a male. To me, this shows that even females can be great spiritual beings.”
Seeing as these are just opinions.....that leaves me the free will to come up with my own belief ....
THERE are enlightened women out there and I am becoming one of them!
Anyways....time to rewind mother time abit...
I confess that I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up about 3:30 and then I think I went back to sleep an hour later.
I was in bed by 9 lacking energy from crying my eyes out over what seemed so trivial and that was just ‘The Kid’ asking me if she could use my halogen heater.
When I told her that she can leave it outside our rooms ....she said she can’t do that as it would be a trip hazard....it seems like this REALLY small statement finally triggered my burn out ....or amplified it ....as I now recall that I cried at Eddy’s once I realised what I am going through this week.
The last time I had a burnout that I can remember is 3 years ago but fortunately that was when I was living in Branksome and it happened indoors!
Today was different and I regret not having stayed at home!
Firstly, I haven’t showered for what sees like weeks and I haven’t brushing my teeth every night.
It’s still cold at home so I don’t like getting undressed unless it’s getting into my PJ’s but since I had my op...I have never slept in my day clothes.
I don’t always feel comfortable having a brush touch my teeth and this is today with having heightened senses.
Perhaps one day I will find an alternative way....but then....it’s not like I have these burnouts all the time ....otherwise, my teeth would’ve fallen out by now but I am definitely not going to any dentist soon!
I am the only one in my family who doesn’t have fillings so I must be doing something right!
I woke up about 9:30 and despite telling Ian and Lorna last night that I would like to self isolate for the next 2 weeks as I wouldn’t want to unintentionally hurt or confuse anyone with what I am going through.
Part of me is telling me that I must get used to solitude....and perhaps it’ll help me big time to go out busking everyday next week because that was the only thing running through my mind to strengthen me last night.
When I busk everyday ....I become less dependent on others and I am then able to get more stimulation from not just other people but other things such as nature as well!
I did more research via Google today and it’s helping me to be more aware of what I am going through....plus, it comes in handy if other people want to know what’s going on:
“Autistic burn out is conceptualized as resulting from chronic life stress and a mismatch of expectations and abilities without adequate supports. It is characterized by pervasive, long-term (typically 3+ months) exhaustion, loss of function, and reduced tolerance to stimulus.”
Ian came round at 10:15. I thought I would be fine ....until we met up with Lorna in New Milton....
My mind began feeling like it had disconnected wires regarding social distancing and I was feeling SO confused and overwhelmed about it that it finally got to me!
I made an attempt to go into Subway whilst Ian and Lorna went off to get their coffees but when I saw people I don’t know in there and they looked at me ....I freaked out....I began crying as I stormed out and in my burnt out state ....decided to go straight back to the park and wait for them both there.
I recall buying myself a bottle of iced tea after initially meeting up with Lorna.
They both went off to the park to walk around there and then I was going to follow them.
I could feel my heart racing so I decided to go and sit down under the leaf statue -esque veranda and meditate.
As usual, the chant my ex wife taught me ....is what I began with.
Ian and Lorna eventually approached me and Ian being Ian tried to distract me even by touching my hat.
I’ve learnt from meditation to not get distracted by anything and thus, ease myself out of it as natural and as smoothly as possible.
Anyways....back to Subway ....back to crossing the street crying ....back to the park....
Again, I thought I was fine sitting there next to Ian and Lorna.
A kind looking gentleman dressed in a high visibility orange uniform walked by and said “hi” and suddenly that triggered me to have another burn out.
I have to admit that I felt embarrassed and ashamed at first as I was taught whilst growing up to NEVER cry in public but once your feelings/emotions take over you ....there’s nothing else you can do apart from go with the flow!
I was determined to go back to Subway at about 12:30pm but when Ian asked me if I am ok ....I had another brief burnout.
Eventually, I encouraged myself to into Mozzies (Morrison’s) to buy grapes.
As soon as anybody got near me ....I became scared and jittery.
Mozzie’s became claustrophobic.
I closed my eyes just to walk through 2 people and I kept the grapes close to my chest as if I was cuddling them just to remind me that they will make me feel safe.
Thinking back....it reminded me of a comedy show I watched in the past called ‘Game On’ where one of the characters suffers from agoraphobia (scared of the outside).
As I walked back to the park....crying and with my head down ....I could hear Lorna and Ian approaching me ....Lorna tried to touch me on the arm or something like that and I flinched and she thought I may trip up if I am not careful.
She asked me if I would like to go back to the park...I accepted and as we made our way back....I told myself I must stay positive even though I am having a burnout...
I came up with a mantra to repeat during my future ones despite flinching when I ran into an overhanging twig with pretty flowers:
“It’s not a curse”
When Lorna encouraged me to sit down on a nearby bench ....I began realising that stroking the plastic covering of the grape carton with my finger helped me to calm down before I was able to finally eat them and talk to Lorna and Ian normally again.
It wasn’t until I was back home that I realised that ‘The Kid’ (whom I don’t know so well) and the repetitive sounds of Leo’s drumming and the game he plays on his tablet can trigger my burnout.
Leo had no idea what was in store for him....and with his low self esteem ...I hope he’s not taking it personally.
Apart from that ....I invited him round and we had a lovely BBQ dinner and tapioca balls in coconut milk before rehearsing cover songs with him.
Well....I know for sure too that it’s not just me who’s having a bit of a random week...but ....
I’m more sensitive about everything and everyone at the mo. Is this a part of ‘stimming’?
At least I know They’re not anxiety attacks!