The only way I could sleep last night was to sleep on my chest.
My senses were all over the place including my feet and hands....and the nerves all over my body seemed to be more alive than ever!
I was like a wriggling eel that had been battered to death for a human’s dinner.
I know this because I used to join an associate from school night fishing a few times and the sight of it doing that was so horrifying ...I would never forget it!
I had my blood test earlier this morning so I was determined to get into bed and catch up on sleep as soon as possible....
Before I continue.....I would like to mention (I may have done this already!) the mysterious and fellow autistic lady ‘Kelly’ whom I met via live streaming on Socially Distant Fest a year ago.
Before hooking up with Eddy Paul again ...she has been very supportive and has helped me to understand my journey into self acceptance as an autistic person immensely.
As a bonus, she’s also one of the ambassadors and activists for the autistic community online and perhaps one day ....I will be able to do the same.
I was even given this opportunity with Dorset Mind but I turned it down.
I wasn’t ready yet!
Whilst I was having another burnout....I instantly messaged her for more doses of her wisdom ....ala Morpheus to Neo in The Matrix.
Kelly introduced me to a new word last night and that word is ‘proprioception’....
According to the Autism Together UK website (https://www.autismtogether.co.uk/proprioception-and-autism-2/) ....
“Proprioception unconsciously tells us where our bodies are in relation to other objects and space and how our different body parts are moving. We get messages (feedback) from our muscles and joints telling our brain where we are. They regulate movement and posture and also the appropriate pressure for tasks, such as cracking open an egg without crushing it. Some people on the autism spectrum may experience varying differences associated with this sense.”
To me ....this sounds like astral projection at either the wrong time of day!
She then went on to explain what she calls ...
“to have Compression on”
....and this could be for instance ...wearing shades etc to make us feel more comfortable when going outside ....
For so long ....I have known that there is a connection between being autistic and being transgender and now I know HOW...
It makes sense now why I started identifying as female in this context ...because in the beginning ....the clothing helped me with ‘stimming’ (self stimulation) ....it made me feel more comfortable and helped me to ‘turn the compression on’.
So.....fast forward back to today ....
I shall endeavour to reflect something I haven’t said already due to my tired state of physical self at 20:23.
Going to the clinic to get my blood test was my first challenge this morning.
I didn’t want to be like I was yesterday so today I was proud to have ‘trained’ my mind even though it was still a challenge and even though I still cried and flinched in public.
Today REALLY did conclude the be all and end all ....despite abit of a hiccup....’The Kid’ was understanding when I decided to open up and tell her she’d done nothing wrongly ....and the art therapist I met at the newly opened Obsidian Arts Cafe in Boscombe was understanding too reminding me that I am definitely not alone.
I made an attempt to play video games upstairs with my brother too before another burnout and then he reminded me that he has them from time to time also AND like him ....I must keep taking 2 ashwagandha herbal capsules everyday for 3 months until the anxiety has simmered down.
Oh, and I called Autism Wessex when I got back from the clinic....then called the clinic to book an appointment with my GP and hopefully on Wednesday afternoon ....he could point me in the right direction to get myself a support worker.
Roll on tomorrow .....I am SO prepared and strong enough for it!