Whilst writing this, mutual friend Dave Hackling aka Pac-Man has randomly knocked on Ian’s door and entered The Gray Resort just afternoon I’ve had his 2 rather coming of age sociable cats Marmalade and Poppet. 

I remember when I first met them....they used to be quite scared of any human interaction. 

“I’ve got a pandemic up my bum. It pukes every now and then” nearly made me crack up but an innocent giggle sufficed as PacMan, Ian and I were discussing current affairs and all having different levels of opinions about it. 

Before I arrived, I decided I didn’t want to spend £3.70 to get 2 buses to Ian’s here in Castlepoint which would take up to 2 hours so I decided to get my flat mate Yogi’s assistance to pump up the front tyre of ‘Blue Moon’ ....or ‘that fold up bike of mine I hardly use’. 

It’s now 19:22....I feel like crap for some reason and it seems like I feel even worse every time someone messages me on Facebook or WhatsApp. 

I’m even wearing the shocking pink pvc French maid outfit I received earlier today around 5pm when Ian and I were trying to watch Joker but I don’t think he was that interested as he kept talking over it.....well, that’s mates for you. 

Back in 2011, when I wore my first black and white satin maid turned me on. 

Why? well, perhaps that’s like when I wore my mum’s clothes for the first time back when I was 12 in 1992. I had no idea that I am transgender or even knew of the term until I was 24 so yeah, I suppose the only word I knew between the age of 13 and 24....was the word ‘gay’ or ‘homosexual’ and that’s what I thought I was. 

I’d even dress as me and go to a local gay club in Portsmouth one night or 2 whilst I was studying at university there but I remember a friendly couple approaching me and telling me that if I wanna pull...or get laid or even meet a potential boyfriend....I would have to come dressed in make clothing and then of course, I instantly told them that THAT is not how I identify. 

I’ve known since the age of 18 that I am different and that even though my birth gender and biological features is male, everything else is female. 

It’s common for people with Aspergers and autism to feel confused or something like that about their gender identity... 

Oh! Let’s change the topic shall we?! 

Because now I can finally remember why I feel like shit! 

Earlier this week was Wednesday ....I went with my brother to go and meet Magé from Citizens Advice Bureau at Bournemouth library to find out what benefits I can get. 

I confess that I have been quite naive about my own issues with having Aspergers and I don’t like being reminded about the truth that I have it and I have the evidence of the diagnosis to prove it too. 

However, all these years that I have been trying SO fricking hard to get somewhere with my music ....just feels like it doesn’t mean anything now .... I can get enough benefits from the government to live off of....I can get myself a social support worker to look after me ....but what about my music career?! 

Perhaps my own words can make things easier to express right now .... 

“The kettle’s been boiling for way too long, 

and now I’m letting go of all that steam, 

I don’t know where I’m going but I’m not lost, 

I’m just giving up on that dream” 

I tell you what though....wearing this outfit is ACTUALLY numbing this suffering. I was going to call it self suffering and self inflicted but is it really?! 

I’m starting to believe more and more ....that I’ve been living my life wrong in so many ways and I didn’t plan it properly ... 

Or perhaps I am just feeling this way because of either some invisible giant Humbolt squid that’s come along and infected us all with it’s ink of Depression or there’s some virus affecting us all over the world and no one knows when it’s going to 0121DO1!! 

And I know this too....I am an artist! I am a musician! I am a VERY creative person! and really ....I should be able to make a living from it just like I did before this pandemic happened! 

If you have any send me some on a letter....signed sealed delivered to Miss Fortunate! 

Anyways, on a good note ....Ian sure did entertain me today with his eccentric sense of humour ....and a super market sweep of vegan and plant based goodies at Tesco plus I finally upgraded my phone. Just need a techie’s assistance to get all the security stuff authorized instead of me faffing around with loads of passwords!!

Leave a comment

Add comment