Today’s main question seems to be: 

“Why the Helly Hansen have I not discovered and used golden breadcrumbs before?! “ 

I was not expecting them to make my sheezy pasta so crunchy... And apart from the two songs I’ve produced and recorded today towards my Thai album…. 

That just about sums up my highlights! 

Oh! I also recorded a guitar sample of ‘Red Light Instinct (another un-released song but one that was performed regularly with The Subwave Network UK in its less commercial form) of and sent it to another collab partner who is also based in the States. 

I had found the production of that song so hard before so I am glad I can finally work with another producer on it! regards to the laundry machine and tumble dryer at home ....they’re always a first come, first served basis and I finally got round to getting my laundry done today too! 

Hopefully....I’ll be warm enough later to have a refreshing shower as well! 

I didn’t feel like writing anything in my memoir today just because I was on a roll with recording but after two songs.… I’ve had enough now plus it’s 17:40 at the time of writing this. 

I had planned to add vocals to another collab partner’s beautiful piano masterpiece but I hesitated because the music was “jumping “and silly me…. Should’ve asked him for the tempo. 

Oh well…. There’s always another day! 

Speaking of collab projects... I recently produced another of my own Thai songs and I’ve been waiting anxiously for my good friends to start work on it but as they have got kids to look after...who are more important…. I am sure I can wait a bit longer! 

On the other hand, I’ve been eager to get my Thai songs over to Thailand for a few years now and that’s all that matters! 

Anyways…. Who am I kidding ....thinking I can eat all this pasta in one go?! 

Heck no! 

I’m not biologically that way inclined anymore so I’ll leave it in the fridge for tomorrow’s breakfast and make myself a coffee instead! 

(Erm....actually.... A pint of H2O will do me nicely!) 

There is a possibility that today is the way it is because of an experience I had yesterday evening and it’s been bothering me since. 

Remember when I told you the vision I had of the trans lady (who since de-transitioned) who lives in Florida, Stateside? 

Well, before I continue.… This was slightly different. It wasn’t a vision. 

It was a message from upstairs... Like a Celestial voicemail…. And I’m not talking about my brother and his girlfriend’s new place but yeah... 

It’s definitely about my brother. 

I seem to be REALLY spiritually awake when I’m truly happy about something in my life! 

I had just woken up from a nice snooze. I was feeling tired and bitter before that! 

For some random reason.... I was just really happy... Until I got myself back into bed and after half an hour of lying down…. I was told that if my brother doesn’t slow down a bit (as he’s always on his feet) ....he is going to be the first in the family to ‘call it a day’. 

I suppose this all makes sense too. 

He’s had heart problems before. 

He is living his life 5 to 10 years from now although hearing him put on loud rock music that we used to listen to back in the 90s (Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Tool, Soundgarden to name a few) reminded me that he’s still ‘young at heart’ from time to time! 

Mentally, I believe he is usually in his sixties to seventies even though he’s going to be 39 this year. 

He’s always been a “closed book “to me.... probably because he believes that’s him being humble but I usually find out from my mum, his close friend, his partner or just as mentioned.… ‘Upstairs’.... about what’s really going on in his life. 

Maybe he has known for years that his health is slowly deteriorating and that’s why he is the way he is. 

Yesterday evening... I mourned his death… Even though it hasn’t happened yet and because of that message... I must prepare myself mentally. 

Another thing to consider here is that we didn’t really talk to each other for two weeks and I have only just remembered that he was upset with me for hardly contacting him or my mum when I was living in Thailand. 

Anyways, he only called me or texted me to ask if a delivery of his had arrived and I confess that I would hang up on him as soon as he asked “how are you? “ 

I’m now crying as I write this but ‘whatever will be ....will be’. 

I have accepted that we are not close and I’m tired of trying to make an invisible relationship with him 

I admit that sometimes I want to remind him and agree with what he said in the past that I am ‘not his family’. 

It also suddenly hit me again. I understand to some extent that it hasn’t been easy for him since he was encouraged by our parents in our teens to become my guardian. 

This is yet another reason why I punish myself every day and even though I know the time has not come around again yet... I have started thinking again about moving out of the flat in the future and living somewhere else alone because I blame myself every day still for being a liability to him. 

I swear he gives me that impression too and why not? 

I certainly don’t blame him if he did! 

I can’t think of anything else to talk about now.… And I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before so that’s today’s memoir over and done with. 

However, I am glad my flat mates were there for me just now to make things light hearted and change to subject to “Yappa Cakes” which is our nickname for people who can’t stop talking! 

On that note...I’m looking forward to a worry free evening but maybe that’s abit of a fantasy today.

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