LEAVE ME OUT

Okay! 

I’ll admit it! 

I strongly doubt this is related to being autistic but here goes. 

I am a social creature. 

I’m always wanting to spend time with people whoever they are...including my flatmates. 

Yesterday, I found myself telling The Kid that I need my space as I try to get used to concentrating and focusing mainly on all things Ethereal & The Elevated as well as Rachael’s second album. 

She’s even taking some time out so that we can try to get it done at least before I head back to Manchester at the end of September. 

I wouldn’t say that I get ‘jealous’ but I can admit that I’m never comfortable with feeling like I am ever being left out. 

However, now that I need to concentrate and that I endeavour to at least be as productive as Ant is with this project … I will need to change my mindset once more and detach myself from the desires of always wanting to socialise with my flatmates. 

Do I come across as ‘clingy’? 

If so, I wouldn’t be surprised because people have told me that before. 

Well, Flatmate C is hardly around. 

Flatmate B keeps himself to himself although he and The Kid always get on like a house on fire and spend time together whenever he is back home from work and at the weekends….which I have no qualms with. 

Regarding The Kid….with the PTSD that she has… I confess that that’s been getting to me again especially as I’d like to use the kitchen knives as and when for cooking. 

Perhaps I’m being too considerate and I should just get on with it but just that anxiousness of wondering when she’s next going to come in and ask things such as… 

“Are you using a knife?” 

“Are you going to ‘hurt’ me?” 

“Do you ever have dark thoughts about me?” 

….. gradually builds up and up within and trust me… it really hurts! 

She referred to me as a friend again recently and she’s actually physically given me a hug and a high-five in the past fortnight but one just never knows which side of the coin she’s ‘chosen’ each day. 

It’s very confusing and right now…. I’m going through another phase where I wish I could distance myself from her at least so that I can gather mental strength again. 

The good thing is…. is that at least I have Sundays to meet up with Ian and Lorna but sometimes, I would like a longer break than that. 

Two days ago, we made an attempt at banter and even though it was lighthearted... I could tell she was still quite defensive with me about the cleanliness thing. 

Even though I’ve been trying to be less particular about it and that I saw her hoovering the flat the other day… it sure is tedious after a while having to make sure the kitchen sink is empty for others to use... her dirty plates are put to one side… make sure that the toilet is flushed and there is no urine left behind on the seat. 

Even her giggling, heavy walking and singing is getting to me again but this time... 

I must try to take it all with a pinch of salt…. and remember that despite how broken she is….she is still a human being who has finally found somewhere safe to stay... however long that maybe.

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