“So Don’t you dare test me
This is all I have left
to put to the test
So don’t you dare test me
You think you know me but you don’t
Cos Unwelcome desires
They just won’t leave me alone”
THIS is what I came up with literally just before getting dressed, storming out of my flat and running to the bus stop to catch the first bus to Boscombe then get the next bus to Salisbury.
It’s a song I started writing around the same time as ‘Thankyou George Floyd’ and it’s about finally succumbing to the voices of my demons and becoming their slave. Obeying their orders to do the forbidden things that I have suppressed for so long but as I know they’re all bad, I have never done anything about it.
Self awareness keeps us from causing any harm to other people so hopefully this is the message that ‘Unwelcome Desires’ will convey.
I have also recently started listening to Nirvana again thanks to YouTube recommendations and despite having originally intended to come up with a dark ambient baroque pop vibe, I also came up a very Nirvana- esque guitar part for the song.
Perhaps it was just lodged in my psyche.
It’s amazing what comes out of our sub consciousness at times especially when creating something.
It’s now 7:43 and I’m half way there. Silly me decided to buy a bus ticket on my phone last night so that I don’t forget today, but obviously it expired over night. THEN when I realised this at the bus stop, I fortunately still had time to buy another one. So I basically lost nearly £10 but hey ho. It least it won’t effect my bank account as much as the trip to Bristol did.
And then to top it all off, I remembered that my fellow sax playing busker friend Marta Kalnina told me earlier this week that she’ll be in Salisbury and I told her I would be in Christchurch!
Silly me for not having told her earlier this week that I had arranged to meet a friend of mine there today and combine with busking.
Anyways, I could tell she was slightly frustrated but I told her not to worry about it as there’s plenty of other places I can busk whilst she busks in the market square.
However, it turns out she had mothering duties to do anyways for the birthday of one of her sons which is tomorrow so she wanted to get everything prepared for him.
As they say “A mother’s work is never done”.
She calls me from time to time but today felt like the first time in ages that we were able to have a proper conversation and share our recent busking experiences so it felt like a breath of fresh air to talk to some one who’s in the same field of occupation.
Let’s hope we cross paths again soon.
It’s now 8:32....it always feels like I have travelled back in time by 8 or 9 years every time I come busking in the city where I used to live near to for over 20 years but that’s another story.
Today feels rather nippy especially on my fingers and the steam coming out my mouth as I breathe but BBC Weather ‘has promised’ it’ll be another 20 degrees today and judging by how Christchurch was on Wednesday ....I am definitely looking forward to another day like that.
On the other hand, if it was hot like every other day like in Thailand I suppose I wouldn’t bother mentioning the weather from time to time.
It’s definitely something I try to refrain from expressing but with winter getting nearer ....there’s always something I will enjoy ranting about.
Before I get myself some daily music therapy, I best practice mindfulness and enjoy the fireworks my tastebuds are getting from a vegan Cornish pasty and then a side dish of scrumptious raspberries to wash it down my ever decreasing belly.
But alas...the question remains ....do I need to go scuba diving in Maldives or is that another way of saying one has to take out the trash?
It’s now 9:11 as well as September. I’ve found the perfect spot to busk in and I sure hope I can busk here longer than 2 hours. Let’s see what happens. Time for some music therapy!
9:32 - Even though my niece Sophia now knows I am back in Salisbury and I am meeting my old friend Ben, I believe today’s busking experience will be another average or below average one. I will try to encourage myself to engage and connect with strangers but that’s quite challenging at the moment. Let’s see what happens! At least I can write how I feel if I need to.
9:40 - The universe seems to have brought my old friend Fiona Ryan my way! Wasn’t expecting her to buy a cd OR a rather delicious and creamy Soy latté coffee but giving her a big hug after all these years felt amazing! It sure filledcme full of love! Anyways, time to carry on before she returns!
9:55 - A senior gentleman asked me if he could take a photo of me as he only takes photos of street musicians whom he thinks are good. It was abit of a challenge explaining the deal to him that he must donate a dose of love first but we succeeded in the end
10:13 - Just finished doing our own interpretation of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah and it was so much fun, it’s getting the YouTube treatment.
10:25 - Hmmmm....why is my inner voice telling me to do covers?! Let’s see what happens.
10:28 - Ben E King’s Stand by Me got a dose of love. I’ll do a few more covers before heading back to my own songs I suppose
10:31 - Bill Wither’s Ain’t No Sunshine didn’t get a dose of love so it’s back to originals! Ha ha. I’m such a walking contradiction. I’d rather put my energy into something I love doing and covers ain’t it. Dayum! As I was writing this, a young lady gave Ain’t No Sunshine a dose of love. Right! Operation - Middle Way!
10:46 - I must keep doing my originals because that’s the only way to have confidence in them AND write more songs etc etc. I know my own songs are just as good or nearly as good as the songs I have been listening to for all these years.
11:05 - A gentleman stood by to listen to Pineal Soup whilst having his breakfast and a senior lady donated a dose of love. I MUST believe in my originals today!
11:15 - ok....this is becoming challenging but I must persist and ignore the demons!
11:24 - Just had a lovely chat with a gentleman who is originally from Scotland but has lived in Salisbury for 40 years. He couldn’t afford my cd so I gave it to him for free for keeping me company for a while
11:35 - Whilst I was playing ‘Wendy’ 18 month old David comes along with his parents and was dancing to it. Obviously, I changed the name of the song to David just for him and then his parents donated a dose of love. Perfect timing and perfect way to remind fellow buskers that one has to be willing to entertain not just perform!
11:52 - ‘Little Child’ or should I say ‘Your’s Truly’ just got pixelated by some random teenager
11:57 - A traveller with 2 cute poochies was kind enough to donate a dose of love to The Sound of my Heartbeat
12:04 - The temperature has indeed risen! Thanks BBC Weather! And thanks dude for donating a dose of love and support whilst I took my coat off! I mistook him initially for a guy that sells his home made wrist bracelets on the street at times. “You’re very brave!” He remarked before telling him about live music venues still not being open for live music so busking is the new thing
12:25 - The Ghost of Love got a dose of love from not that far above from a lady and a little baby girl she’s looking after
12:51 - “I haven’t seen you for ages! Where have you been?” a gentleman asked me who obviously recognised me for when I used to live in Salisbury. I told him I have been living in Bournemouth and he knew it was all because of my love for the ocean. Before that, another gentleman gave a trippy version of ‘Desires and Aspirations’ a dose of love. Thanks to my guitar effects pedal, I can now play that with a reverse effect and it sounds absolutely amazing as it travels all around the high street.
13:07 - I’ve just taken off my face mask due to the literally spitting image of a gentleman who started talking to me in pigeon English whilst I was playing Mother of the Earth. However, during that time of finding it very hard to understand him due to his speech impediment, the song got a dose of love and some lady was getting verbally aggressive and raised her voice several metres away from me. One of the street wardens eventually came to simmer things down and my own dose of assertiveness finally encouraged the gentleman to kindly 0121DO1.
13:26 - Another lady got attracted to the sound of Strange World Normal Girl and then after the medley of Portishead’s Glory Box at the end, she donated a dose of love and we had a rather lovely chat about how most things especially music is so subjective. “You’re either a fan of country and western or a fan of hip hop. I’ve never met anyone who likes both” I said to her after she told me she’s not keen on hip hop as she thinks it’s aggressive. Obviously, as a hip hop fan myself I had to say something in defence!
13:41 - A young lady and her daughter donated a dose of love for my Mad World/Smells Like Teen Spirit/What I’ve Done medley after the transition from Seasons in a Day.
13:47 - A lovely little girl came to dance to ‘Strings of my Heart’ before her mother/guardian donated a dose of love
14:05 - a VERY generous lady donated a dose of love for Thai song Soulmates. Bless her cotton cap.
14:26 - “Your music is so pleasant” said a senior Asian lady with a perfect British accent whilst feeding breadcrumbs to some pigeons. People like her remind me there are still good people in the world unlike the teenager who tried to scare them off afterwards.
As she stood nearby with her friends, she also tried to get my attention by saying “Can you stop singing please? It’s really hurting my ears”. I just ignored her and eventually she walked off.
14:44 - It may be getting quiet again but at least a little boy wanted to dance to Concrete Avenues with the company of his dad on pram duties and his mother holding both his hands to make sure he doesn’t fall over
14:48 - it’s time to pack up as my friend Ben has just shown up. However, Ben asked me to perform ‘Serotonin Siren’ which encouraged me to rock out like a big climax and that also resulted in a lady donating a dose of love.
All in all....it was a great day. I didn’t get any hassle from a certain street warden or any verbal abuse from anyone. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to come and busk in Salisbury once per month but I’d rather stick to Christchurch as it’s closer to home.
After busking, Ben and I made our way to Tesco’s to get ourselves some ready made microwaveable dinner and then proceeded to their place to have a jam or 2 before getting a lift back to the bus station.
Going to Ben’s place brought back memories as that was where my ex boyfriend André used to live before he inherited his new place from his late mother.
They asked André a few months ago if we’re still together and André replied ‘I really messed things up’.
Anyways, even though it only lasted 2-3 months...I suppose André was to be my only first, my last, my everything.
A true gentlemen and still a genuine friend.